


didn't mean to leave you and all the things that we had behind

by ethereal_sung



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, also jisung im sorry baby, am i projecting?, chanlix is a thing but i didnt tag for obvious reasons, if youre ji biased tread carefully, im a slut for hanahaki so i wrote it, im feeding the starved jilix nation, yes yes I am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-07 12:46:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19085335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ethereal_sung/pseuds/ethereal_sung
Summary: a collection of letters written to felix from jisung, while the flowers slowly consume him(or me wanting to write a jilix fic and being a slut for hanahaki)





	1. chapter i.

**Author's Note:**

> i cant write for shit but here we go oop
> 
> enjoy this messy jilix fic. if youre jisung biased, i have two things; i'm sorry and please be friends with me bc taste.
> 
> also the title is from sorry by halsey
> 
>  
> 
> (not edited so if things are misspelled, oh well)

february 15, 2019

 

dear felix,

hey, i found this old journal laying around and i figured that i could write to you. i know that i don’t have too much time left and i need to tell you so many things, but i can’t bring myself to it. i figured writing it all down, where i’m not being able to see your reactions, might be easier. odds are, if you’re reading this, i’m already gone. i want you to know that it’s not your fault, it was my decision to keep the flowers growing. i had to. i can’t imagine living in a world where i don’t feel anything towards you. i guess i should tell you about the start of all this, right? that really takes me back, all the way to the first day i had met you. chan had talked about you a lot, he was glad to find another australian here in korea. i knew i had to meet you. when chan had first introduced me to you, you were shy. you were new to korea and you didn’t speak korean too well, your accent was strong and you were self-conscious about it. i tried my best with english, but we both know that my english back then was questionable, it's still a little shaky for that matter. with the few words exchanged between us, i could tell that we would be close friends. we had similar personalities and thought the same things on most topics. chan had pulled me off to the side after that, he said that he was glad that we were ‘already hitting it off’ but that i should tread carefully because we had no idea what you’ve gone through or what brought you out here, especially since you came alone. the next thing we knew, we were stuck together at the hip, taking on the whatever the world threw at us, together. somewhere during this time, my feelings towards you had started to grow. i talked to changbin about it one day, i knew that it was more than platonic feelings that i held towards you, but i didn’t know how deep they ran and i just needed to get it out of my system. i guess we know now. these feelings i held towards you had continued to grow and yet, all you viewed me as was a friend, did you not notice the longing glances to you? the way i look at you like you hung the stars? the way that i linger in your touch after hugs? my gaze continuously shifting to your lips? i (somehow) went about four months of loving you before i coughed up my first flower petal. that was exactly five months ago, your birthday. we had decided to spend our birthdays together because of how close they are. it was 3:57 a.m., roughly thirty minutes after you had fallen asleep. i couldn’t sleep, i sat at the foot of the bed, looking at you. you looked so pretty, illuminated by the moonlight. hair resting softly against your forehead, freckles dancing across your cheekbones, breath soft and even, your chest rising and falling with each. it was then that i realized how deep in i was, it was also then when an itch started to build up in the back of my throat. i went down into the kitchen - as silently as possible, as to try not to wake you - for a glass of water, hoping to soothe it. instead, what i got was a red petal. you came downstairs at 4:13, claiming that you had heard me come down and after a while, you got worried about what i was doing, you were also wondering what i was still doing up. you ended up staying with me until i had fallen asleep. that ended up being one of my favorite memories, us sitting on your roof, watching the sunrise. your parents eventually woke up, rushing us inside, telling us to sleep, but you looked at me, a certain glint in your eyes, before turning around and dragging me inside with you. it was a carnation, as i found out. they represent admiration, fitting for the scenario, right? because of all of this, i’ve found out a lot of things about flowers, from their meanings to the origin of those meanings. i’m amazed that such beautiful things can cause so much pain to a person. yet again, please don't think any of this is your fault, it's not your fault that i fell in love with you. with a person like you, it's hard not to fall in deep. i'm truly in over my head, aren't i? i've always asked myself what made me fall for you, what sent me over the edge. to this day, i don't know if there was one specific thing or if it all just started from you being yourself. that's another thing i love about you, you're not afraid to show your true colors and speak up about all the bullshit we're saying. all of the random, sleep-deprived conversations we had at god knows what time in the morning, they hold a special place in my heart. it's miraculous that i didn't end up spilling everything in one of those conversations, considering how unfiltered i tend to be during those chats. i want to know how you would react to all of this, my being in so deep for you and coughing up flowers because you can't fathom viewing me that way. would you apologize? would you stop talking to me? would you force yourself to love me? it's not like i'm actually gonna tell you while i'm alive, so i guess i'll never get to see the result. i hope that you won't miss me too much when i'm gone, i'm not really worth your sorrow. i can't stand seeing you sad, you know that. i should probably start to wrap this up, you're coming over later today and i still have to shower and clean up. let's hope that i can keep the petals down for a few hours.

 

with love,

han jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and i oop-
> 
> follow me on twitter @/ethereal_sung uwu


	2. chapter ii.

februaury 23, 2019

 

dear felix,

chan finally asked you out. i can’t say that i wasn’t expecting that. chan has been crushing on you for ages, i was the first person he told. that’s the only reason that he really introduced us, he had been ranting about you for ages and honestly, i was getting fed up with it. i asked to meet you so that i could see if you were worth all that he said you were. if only i had known that this would happen, i would’ve never agreed to it. you came to me after he asked you. you looked so happy, it was like someone took the galaxy and transported it into your glance. all the things i said, all the smiles, everything was forced. i’m not mad, at you or chan. you obviously don’t know anything and neither does chan. chan always looked so happy when he was talking about you, i couldn’t take that away from him and face him developing hanahaki. i’d rather just be the one suffering so that you guys can be happy. i hope you guys last as long as possible, i don’t wanna see you suffer through that. i know that if i had told chan he would try to get us together and that wouldn't be too good for our friendship. he'd probably also keep quiet about the fact that he likes you, it's not like he was too subtle about his feelings. it was clear from the start that he liked you. he didn’t really notice it until i pointed it out to him. after i did, he would come to me whenever his crush got too overwhelming. he would rant to me about all the little things you do or some small detail in your appearance that’s hardly noticeable. every time, without fail, he would ask me if i had noticed it too. i did, i’ve studied you so much it’s hard not to notice, but i would always say that i hadn’t, just to make him feel better about his discovery. after you had left, i spent nearly thirty minutes coughing and hacking up flowers. daffodils this time. they represent unrequited love. i’ve always known that my affection will never be returned the way that i want it, but there was still a small part of me that had hope. you and chan getting together just proves that i don’t stand a chance, he’s better than me in every sense of the word. he’s more talented, he’s smarter, he’s more fit. it makes me feel numb, knowing that i don’t have a chance with you. numbness, also another thing that daffodils represent, they’re also called narcissus, which is greek for numbness. coughing up flowers isn’t fun. it hurts. a lot. there’s a constant itch from the petals rising, but there’s also a never-ending burn. from the petals, bile, and blood rising up your throat. of course, the blood doesn’t come up too often, it really depends on how long you’ve been dealing with the illness. the blood started two weeks ago for me, it’s nothing major, just speckling across the petals, but it still brings the taste of iron to your mouth. i read about it online, apparently, you only start coughing up blood when the first thorns start to grow. when the thorns grow, they puncture your lungs, resulting in the blood. when i coughed today though, the petals were completely covered instead of speckled. i really don’t have much time left, do i? i hope that i can at least spend a few more nights with you before i get too weak. don’t miss me too much when i leave. i’ll take care of myself, i promise.

 

with love,

han jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhh i also love chanlix, i couldn't help myself
> 
> follow me on twitter !! @/ethereal_sung


	3. chapter iii.

march 1, 2019

 

dear felix,

i’ve been getting a lot worse in the past week. it’s because you’re happy with chan now. you don’t need me anymore, you don’t desire my presence. i hate that you chose chan. it’s obviously not my choice, but if i had told you, would you have chosen me over him? if i told you that my love for you was literally killing me, would you leave chan to suffer the same thing? would you force yourself to love me? i hope not. even if you’re faking your feelings towards me, i’d be able to tell. my hanahaki wouldn’t cure. this disease takes everything from people. mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, loved ones, happy families, successful marriages. all of it goes down the drain due to something that you can’t even control. have you ever thought of that? loving someone isn’t a choice, it’s literally just a chemical reaction in your brain because a person did something. the only choice you have is how or if you act on it. if you’re like me, you just sit silently and suffer, if you’re like chan, you confess before everything builds up and turns ugly. i wish that i was like him. being upfront about my emotions and this fucking disease. it would have made things so much easier. maybe, if i had told chan right as my crush was developing, he wouldn’t have asked you out. maybe, if i had told him about my hanahaki you two wouldn’t be together right now. i can’t imagine myself doing that though. you two are so happy, i can’t ruin that. i just want you to be happy, no matter if it kills me. i told changbin about these letters, i made him promise that he would give these to you after i died. he’s still trying to get me to take the surgery. i can’t. without these flowers, i wouldn’t be capable of loving you. i wouldn’t feel anything when you catch me staring. there would be nothing. nothing but an empty shell. these letters are probably gonna start getting shorter. i’m getting weaker by the second. when this whole fiasco started, i was averaging four hours of sleep. i’m now averaging nine. my body is so weak. it’s already starting to give out. i went to the doctor yesterday, a month and a half is their prediction, they said i’d be lucky if i made it to june. if you and chan weren’t dating, i might have been able to make it to our birthdays. it would mark a year with my hanahaki. an accomplishment by all means. i would hate to last that long though. everyone’s starting to notice that i’m getting worse. hell, even seungmin asked me if i was okay and he has no regards towards me, he only knows me through hyunjin. you haven’t said anything though. do you notice? the constant smell of flowers on me? the red staining on my lips from blood? the bags under my eyes? how sunken in my cheeks are? do you see any of it? or has it been gradual from how long you spend with me? do you just not want to say anything? or do you not care? i wish that i could ask you, but i can’t. instead, i’ll hide behind a piece of paper and a pencil, wishing that i could be yours.

 

with love,

han jisung


	4. chapter iv.

march 12, 2019

 

dear felix,

hyunjin’s birthday is coming up soon. he’s having us all do something this weekend, all nine of us. there’s no way i’m gonna survive it. well, i’m gonna survive it, but it’s not gonna be fun. changbin’s the only one that knows about my hanahaki. someone else is bound to find out on saturday. there’s no way that i’ll be able to be around you and chan without several trips to the bathroom. people are gonna get suspicious. especially chan and woojin. they’ve been worried enough for me as is. maybe i can head home early. after the first batch of flowers, i can say that i got a stomach bug and have changbin take me home. the only reason that changbin knows about my hanahaki is that he came into the bathroom only to find me choking on flowers. did you know that he got hanahaki from me? he was in love with me. he ended up getting the flowers removed. i feel bad that i never noticed, but i guess you’re not noticing mine, so i can’t really say anything. is hanahaki that hard to miss? in other news, i’ve recently been coughing up amaryllis petals. they also represent unrequited love. the meaning behind it is cruel though. a young, timid nymph named amaryllis had fallen in love. a shepherd named alteo, a man with the strength of hercules and the beauty of apollo. he didn’t return her affections. she wanted to win him over, so she sought out the oracle. she followed the instructions given to her. for thirty nights, she went to alteo’s door. dressed in a maiden white, she pierced her heart with a golden arrow. when alteo had finally opened his door, what laid in front of him was a beautiful crimson flower, which had grown from the blood of amaryllis. a tragic tale indeed. it kinda represents me right now. my heart is shattering behind closed doors. when you finally open that door, i’ll already be gone. all that’ll be left for you will be this notebook. god, i sometimes just wish that i could tell you. these letters are probably gonna get so repetitive, me complaining about you and chan, filling you in on what flowers issues i had that day, and then ending by complaining about how you’ll never love me back. well, i guess familiarity is key, right? i’m gonna go talk to changbin, get his opinion on what i should do for this weekend. he’s smart, he’ll have something good to say. i’m sorry that you’ll have to see me in that state. 

 

with love,

han jisung

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know the drill
> 
> follow me on twitter !! @/ethereal_sung


	5. chapter v.

march 16, 2019

 

dear felix,

i just got home from hyunjin’s. i’m sorry that i left early, but it was too much. i couldn’t handle a whole night with you nowadays, let alone a night where you and chan are together and being disgustingly cute. as much as i hate to admit it, you two really do compliment each other well. changbin kept sending me glances, so did hyunjin. he knows, just as i know about his. he put the pieces together and confronted me about it. when he noticed my state of panic, he told me that he also has hanahaki. his has been going on for nearly a month now, so he's still got some time left. he's in love with jeongin. i can't say that i'm all that surprised, it's a miracle that jeongin hasn't noticed anything, hyunjin makes it super obvious. i coughed a lot when i got home. there was a lot of blood. imagine plucking the petals off a small bouquet, that's about how many flowers i coughed up. i’m kinda worried, i’ve never coughed up so much blood. it just came pouring out of me. the taste of iron in that amount is potent. i brushed my teeth four times just to get the taste out of my mouth. i spent so long in the bathroom. i’ve never had to be hunched over a toilet for that long. i coughed for nearly forty-five minutes and i was too weak to pick myself up after that. i just sat against the wall with unsteady breathing, trying not to cry. i hate this. i hate myself for doing this. i hate that i love you, i hate that i can’t stop loving you. i wish that things could’ve all worked out. i wish that hanahaki didn’t exist. i wish that you loved me back. there’s a lot of things that i wish could happen, but can’t. the world is really working against me, huh. i feel bad that i can’t tell you. you looked so worried when i left. you know that i’m keeping something from you and i know that you don’t want to force me to say anything. i promise you,  i would tell you if this was anything else. i just can’t tell you that i’m dying because of you. you’ll feel horrible then. do you remember the last time we all had a sleepover? changbin was the one who left, for the same reason i did. it seems that we’ll all be suffering through hanahaki and be forced to leave eventually, right? i hope that you guys don’t grieve too much. i don’t want to tear you guys apart. you guys will have to stay together. i don’t wanna be the reason that you guys leave each other. please stay strong, i can’t have you hurting.

 

with love, 

han jisung   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on twitter @/ethereal_sung uwu


	6. chapter vi.

march 29, 2019

 

dear felix,

i’m so tired. this is exhausting. i’m so weak nowadays. i’ve lost so much weight from everything. but, hey, march is almost over. i just have to try to get through the last few days. if i’m lucky, i’ll be able to make it through april. i highly doubt that though. with how i’ve been as of recent, i’ll be lucky to make it halfway through april. i’m sorry. this will probably be such a burden on you. changbin still wants me to take the surgery. i’m not gonna take it. if i’ve made it this far, i might as well push through the rest. i really love you too much. i don’t know what else to say anymore. things are just getting worse and worse. i can’t even write lyrics anymore. even writing this to you is taking so much out of me. i’ve been skipping all the classes i don’t have with you. it sucks. if anything i should be skipping the classes that you’re in since you’re the one that’s causing all of my suffering. but i don’t want you to worry about me. if i’m not in class, you’ll get worried and suddenly i’ll be choking on more petals than usual. i’ve told all of my teachers what’s happening. i’m not even gonna make it until the end of the school year, so why should i even bother trying. i hate this. so much. it’s like i’m stuck in a never-ending cycle. it’s exhausting. it’s one of those bone-deep exhaustions that you can’t sleep off, where you’re stuck tired and suffering for ages. this one’s never gonna end though. it’ll only end when i’m dead. a horrible thought. how come loving someone hurts so much?

 

with love,

han jisung

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry ji, i love you baby
> 
> follow me on twitter @/ethereal_sung


	7. chapter vii.

april 9, 2019

 

dear felix,

i got hospitalized today. changbin found me passed out on my bathroom floor. he got me here immediately. i hate hospitals. they’re just so off-putting to me. that might be for a multitude of reasons. it could be due to the stark whiteness of the walls, or maybe it’s the constant smell of sickness and ammonia, or it could even just be that people are dying by the second and nothing can be done for them. except, something could be done. doctors just don’t care enough for it. i had to practically beg changbin to go get my journal and to not tell you guys what happened. he wants you to know, he wants you to be able to visit me one last time before i’m gone. i can’t let you see me in this state. i also won’t be able to take seeing you. that’ll ruin me. i’ll be coughing up blood and petals for hours. i just want this suffering to finally come to an end. i always thought that i would be scared of dying, but now that i’m facing it head on, it seems almost accepting.

 

with love,

han jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my stan twitter @/ethereal_sung


	8. chapter viii.

april 16, 2019

 

dear felix,

this will probably be my last letter to you. just writing this is draining me so much. i just wanted to tell you one last time that i love you more than words can express and that none of this is your fault. promise me that you’ll never forget me? i’ll see you on the other side, don’t miss me too much.

 

with love,

han jisung

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my stan twitter @/ethereal_sung


	9. chapter ix.

 june 17, 2019

 

dear jisung,

it’s been two months. two months since i last saw you, two months since i was happy, two months since i coughed up my first petal. i’m so sorry that i didn’t notice sooner. if i had, i could’ve saved you from this. i figure since you wrote your experiences out to me, i should express mine to you. i hope that you’re happy, wherever you are. i know that chan’s been trying his best to comfort because he can tell that there’s something off with me. i still haven’t told him. he’s not coughing up any flowers, so i feel that maybe we both fell out of love. i think that we’re now just staying together for comfort reasons. we both miss you so much, you don’t really notice how dependent you are on a person until they’re gone. you know, when changbin called, my heart dropped. we joined him in waiting at the hospital but you couldn’t be saved. even if they had removed the flowers, the stems and roots had punctured your lungs and you would be living off borrowed air. i know that you wouldn’t want that, you always wanted to be free, to be happy, to be yourself. i’m glad that you trusted me enough to show your true colors around me. i feel that grief really has an effect on you, i haven’t been the same since you left. i’ve lost most color to my skin from staying cooped inside, i’ve been losing weight because i haven’t been eating, i haven’t even redyed my hair. now, i know i’m not as well-versed in flowers as you were, but i believe that the flowers i’ve been coughing up are forget-me-nots. they die really quickly, i assume because of the fact that you’re gone too. forget-me-nots represent remembrance and true love. i find it fitting, just as you found your own flower fitting to the scenario. i’m going to continue to let these flowers grow, no matter how much pain and suffering they bring. if you went through all this for months, there’s no reason that i shouldn’t be able to do the same. i’ll see you soon, my love.

 

forever yours,

lee felix

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's the end !! thank you for reading this !!  
> if you have any questions feel free to ask me !!
> 
> follow me on twitter !! @/ethereal_sung

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this mess, i hope you dont hate me too much
> 
> follow my stan twitter !! @/ethereal_sung


End file.
